Plunging headlong

It feels comforting that at least some of my fellow teachers, who have years of experience to their names, are feeling a little anxious to start our jobs and fall short of the expectations thrown at us... Yes. I have started with my job as a teacher and it's been almost two weeks since I started. I still get bouts of anxiety every now and then since this is entirely new to me and I am afraid to fall down splat to my face... I want to think though that I can do this and that our Lord thinks the same way for He won 't be giving me this job if I wouldn't be able to handle it, right? Of course. Yeah, that's the spirit. Ajah! One of my stressors for now is being one of the emcees for the freshman orientation. I mean I've stayed out of the spotlight for so long that I am not sure how I'll adjust now. I used to do a lot of extemporaneous and impromptu speaking when I was in highschool and some radio and TV performance back in college but I've aways kept a low profile ever since. I didn't want others to think like I'm flaunting my talents. You can imagine what I feel now. I mean I applied for this teaching job and made myself think that this is really what I want because I feel like I wasn't really cultivating the capabilities God has given me when I was still with Pagcor. I know it won't be easy and I'm sure I'll be facing problems and committing mistakes along the way. I'm just praying that I'll be able to go through all of that, scathed but at least without my head between my toes.

Oh God, You know how I am feeling riight now. I hope I don't fail You or my students or myself... And I am raising my hands in praise to You for all the blessings You have bestowed upon us. Thank you so much Lord. I surrender everything to You.

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Nobody said it would be easy
Nobody said it won't break you
All you gotta do is have faith
Faith is all that matters
You gotta have some faith child

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When things fall apart
When the center no longer holds
When the maze seems to lead you to doors
without exits
When the web you've created
feels like a hand pressing too gently and then
too hard around your neck
When tears stream down your face like
water gushing out of broken pipelines
When the air from your lungs struggles to
break free but fails
When the words you utter start to dry your
already parched lips
When the thousand sobs that you're holding
back suddenly shake your body like crazy
When there's no single tear left to shed
When there's no single pain left in your head
When life has escaped your convulsing body
That's when
I'll be there.

Developments

There have been changes since my last post here. First, I haven't actually started on my job. Until now, I don't know if it'll push through or when it will. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, my options open, and my palms together in prayer. I could consider that a bad news although they did apologize for the postponement of dates and that they will be informing us this coming week when the contract signing will push through. However, its more of a blessing in disguise since a lot of blessings did come from the postponement of that employment. I was able to get a student's permit and take up driving lessons. Yipee!!! I still have two hours of training left which I shall take this Sunday. Although that has already resulted with palpitations, arguments and a minor scratch in my sister's car (for which I'm sure I'll get a word or two, but we'll work on polishing off that scratch this week;)). I have also secured the required papers for my wedding. I was able to accompany my bebi angel to the hospital where he had a minor operation on his left knee for miniscus tear. We just got out of the hospital today. It had to be done in Batangas because the doctor and the equipment is there aside from being the accredited hospital of his health card. And since I think I still have next week to get a jumpstart on my thesis, I will be going to DLSU tomorrow to have my request for permission to conduct research on different libraries signed. That way, come tuesday, I can proceed to UP and Ateneo to do research and at the same time meet my friend who lives in Antipolo with her two sons. Then I shall go to UST the next day, again to do more research, and to the National Library, and then drop by my previous office, check some pending documents and meet some officemates. I'll also be working on the other requirements for our PAG-Ibig loan next week. I'll also be looking at a possible venue for our wedding and consult with possible caterer or wedding planner who can work on a limited budget;) So I guess it is indeed a blessing that I haven't started yet on my "job". I was also interviewed recently by Benilde for a possible part-time teaching position. They just advised me to come back when I have grown tired of a full-time teaching job since I confessed to them that I am already waiting for the schedule of our contract signing. I'll stop here for now to get a beauty rest. Nytnyt!;) God Bless!

Staying alive

I haven't actually been paying much attention on you lately... Haven't been quite up to talking about the latest developments in my life... Well, I have been blessed to have been given a chance to work as a teacher in Malayan College. I'll start training this April 16. I hope I don't disappoint them and myself... That's the major breakthrough of my life as of now... Quitting my job for five years and venturing into the unknown. My thesis has to take a backseat for now... I have to concentrate first on reading stuff and getting ready for this "extra challenge" of my life.

I'm quite tired actually and my mind is crowded with other thoughts like our house loan, wedding preparations ( actually, we haven't really started on this...), taking driving lessons??? ( if I don't freak out), and the fact that I haven't read and studied enough to actually teach literature and I'm trying to do all of these at the same time that it's like I don't actually get anything done... I am afraid to fail... I know it's when I let my faith waver that all these fears and stress set in. I just hope I'll be able to pull this off. Make that a we. Because I, alone, can't pull this off. I really need Him and my loved ones to help me through this. We can all do this together...

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Anxiety

Light from the lone, yellow bulb
Twinkling darkness from the busted lamps on the street
Radiance from a terminal of data
Shadows from the moon of tomorrow

Fingers pressing on the letters
Feet threading murky roads
Not getting quite there
Not quite seeing past here

Stepping out of the bedsheet
Descending down the stairs
Unlocking the frontdoor
Flinging open the gate

Placing one foot into the cold pavement
Retracting from the sudden heat
Putting it back again
The hiss of passion and surrender

With hope in her eyes
And fear in her pocket

Faith

I was trying to post a picture here but everytime I try to upload an image from my computer, an error occurs.. So maybe, I'll just do that next time...

I actually decided to create a blog here because that way, I can access my blog without having to go through friendster... Anyway, I'm feeling rather down now that's why my first post which is supposed to be enthusiastic and full of life will be pretty short and a little tried...

My day was okay. I heard mass with my sister. It was my first time to ride her car with her driving and just me sitting beside her. She is getting good at it thought still a little bit nervous. And at least, my heart was not plummeting in my chest while she was at it;) I don't know though if I'll ever learn how to drive. I sometimes get so nervous just by siting beside the driver and seeing all those vehicles wheezing close by and those children suddenly darting across the street.
.................

My vision is still pretty hazy as of this moment. I can't quite see what lies ahead of me or if all our plans will materialize... But that's why it's called faith.

.................

Wink.
Drink.
Pink.
Sink.
Think.